I've spent a long time believing that I have to hide my mistakes and that showing weakness or imperfection should be avoided at all costs. It has turned me anxious, easily stressed, anti-social, boring, unmotivated, and afraid to try if I'm not certain I'll succeed. All of these contribute to an incredible unhappiness in my life and have created a vicious cycle from which I am having some difficulty breaking out.
This post marks the beginning of my creative therapy- my attempt to give myself the opportunity to try and to play and to let others see that I'm imperfect and be okay with that; my attempt to be better at things due to effort and to break out of what I should do so I can find what I want to do; and to stop comparing myself to others so critically, and believing that if I'm not the best or original, I am no good. In a sense, it is the journey of self-improvement I am starting through art (although I tend to be hesitant to use that word, or especially to call myself an "artist").
I've always been a procrastinator, but lately it has been especially difficult for me to motivate myself to start things. I've found that I'm externally motivated- that is, it is easier for me to do things if they are for other people and I feel more compelled to follow deadlines that have been imposed upon me than those I have set for myself. It makes it a little bit difficult for me to thrive in an environment outside of school. I am hoping that by starting this blog and putting my work and thoughts out there for you, the audience of the internet whom I may or may not have, that I will be able to convince myself to do the things I want to do but perhaps am too lazy or distracted to do, and that it will help me to focus on one thing at a time rather than to let myself get overwhelmed by a swirling tornado of thought and anxiety.
Lately, I am most concerned with preparations for Anime North 2012, which is in less than two months. In addition to wanting to put together a couple of cosplays to wear on the weekend, I have also booked myself a crafter's table, but I have not yet started anything for either. On less busy evenings, and the days I have off from my jobs, I need to put in some time to create items to display and sell at my table. For the next little while, these things will be my focus.
Here, you can expect me to share my inspirations, progress, discoveries and musings all around these. I aim to embrace different media and the process of learning and making mistakes more whole-heartedly, and I'd like to share it here. Here's hoping you hear from me soon.